I feel like I suck. I think I feel that way most days my life. Probably 9 times out of 10, I feel like I'm just not enough. Maybe even 9.9 times out of 10. Even the moments and the days when I feel like I've mostly gotten it right, when I can get through the day with mostly positive thoughts, loving the people in my life mostly well, doing the things in my life mostly right, feeling mostly good, having mostly good perspective, believing God cares about me more than He regrets having ever made me... even those days, even those moments (because honestly, it's rare for me to have whole days like that. I'm just thankful for the moments when I feel like I'm getting life right.) Even in those moments, I still am keenly aware of the fact that I'm still not enough. Because in all that, I've only done things mostly right. And even if I had done things completely right, I'd still be left to account for all the things I haven't done. Like call so and so back. Or balance my checkbook. Or love my literal next door neighbor like myself. Or honor my mother and father. Or give more of my time, money, energy and heart to the people God loves so dearly. Or go to the ends of the earth and proclaim the name of Jesus. In fact, I've done none of the above today (above goes all the way back to the beginning... today has not been a mostly get it right day). Instead I've spent my day writing a huge paper for school that I should I have been working on all semester but have put off until the day before it's due. I've barely left my house today. I'm still in my pj's and it's almost 8 at night. I feel like I suck more than usual today. And honestly, I think it's not just a feeling. I think it's true. In fact, I know it's true. Romans 3:23 tells me "that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Gosh, my life is a showcase for how I fall short of God's glory. Day by day, moment by moment. I miss the mark. And even when I get it "mostly right," it doesn't matter, because with God, He isn't about getting it mostly right. He's perfect. His standard for perfection is Himself. That normally debilitates me, being a perfectionist by nature and knowing that the standard for perfection is set not even by me but by Holiness and Perfection Himself. I'm paralyzed by my inability to even approach God or live life, until I realize one thing: He loves me. I hear that to the point that my heart frequently gets numb to it but occasionally it just clicks in a way that's almost magic. I think it's clicking now. God loves me. And love trumps all. Love isn't about earning; it's about being. It's about doing absolutely nothing yet still being chosen and adored and fought for and wanted. It isn't earned; it's given. It isn't deserved; in fact, it's undeserved because love isn't based on merit.
I don't get His love for me because I don't get Jesus. I just don't. I know I should but I don't. All I know is that somehow, Jesus is my Advocate, my Mediator-who is prefect and gets it not just mostly right but totally right. Not some days but all days. And because of that, I'm free to be me and be accepted and loved and safe in the knowledge that that love will not fade or waver. Even if I never get it right (it's not looking like I will, at least not anytime soon), Jesus has me covered. Literally. His death on the cross covered me and covers me now and will cover me forevermore. When God looks upon me, He looks with favor and adoration because He sees Jesus's record of perfection and getting it right. But somehow in that He still sees me and loves me, knowing all of me and my inherent suckiness. God loves me. And love trumps all. He not only loves me but His love is strong. Oh how I wish I believed that all the time and even now. And craved God's love more than the love, approval, and affirmation of any human being. But I know my heart. And I know it's deceitful. But I also know my God. And He's fought for my heart back over and over again and reminded me of this truth. So yeah, I suck. But I'm loved. I'm loved while I still suck. That's outstanding. God doesn't say He'll love me when I figure out how to get life right or when I live up to my potential or when I at least start getting it more right then I have been or quit being so freakin apathetic most of my days and do something. He says instead that I am precious and honored in His sight and that He loves me. That at the right moment, while I was still a sinner, He died for me. He chose me, predestined me to be His before I took my first breath. He isn't angry at me but has compassion on me because He remembers my frame and knows that I am but dust. He says He will love me freely, that He has called me by name, I am His. Most of my friends know that Paul is not my favorite Bible character. I just can't relate to him at all. He just seems so prideful to me rattling off all these great things He's done for the Lord and I just get irritated with his tone. But he's started to grow on me lately. I think we've got a lot more in common than I initially thought (pride included) but I love what he says in 1 Timothy 1:15-16: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." I am a showcase not of sin, but of God's infinite patience. To harp on how badly I screw up day to day, how sinful and deceitful my heart is, how much I'm prone to think negatively of myself, yeah all those things would be true, but all those things pale in comparison to what really should be reflecting from my life. I have a great God, one who loves me and fights on my behalf despite all of that. THAT is worth mentioning and harping on and getting excited over. I get it all backwards sometimes (let's be honest, most of the time). It's His story, not mine. I'm just an extra who keeps messing up her lines and trying to steal the show, but it's not my story and it's not my show to steal. For some crazy reason, the main character has fallen in love with me. Yeah, He loves me. Weird. But it's still His story. I'm happy to be in it however He writes it.
As of right now, I have a pretty great memory. But I've noticed it's been fading as of late. Such a bummer. But such is life I guess. Anyway, I hope that one day, when my memory has faded completely, that I, like John Newton can say this, that...
My memory is nearly gone;
but I remember two things;
That I am a great sinner, and
that Christ is a great Saviour.