I am exhausted. I can't pick a better word to describe how I feel in this moment other than tired. I just feel so drained. I'm not sad or overwhelmed (maybe a little) or frustrated or anything more than just weary from life. Nothing in particular has gotten me here, just living in general gets tiring sometimes.
And when I get this way, my first reaction is to run to my bed.
It's not a secret to anyone that knows me that I love sleep. My bed is one of my favorite places on earth. If I were getting married tomorrow (or really at any point in my life), my bed would be a bridesmaid in my wedding if that were a thing. We're that close. Yet it can't give me the one thing that I want right now: rest. That's because the rest I seek isn't just physical rest.
What I want is rest for my soul.
And that can be found in nothing and in no one other than the person of Jesus. I know that. My heart has known that for years. Yet I've known nothing more deceitful than my own heart. One minute it is in love with Jesus, clinging to the truth that nothing could be better than being in the mere presence of my Creator. The next it has wandered off into the depths of its own darkness, trading the riches of Jesus' majesties for the cheap trinkets this world offers. I live in that delicate balance every moment, knowing the infinite darkness of my heart yet trusting the even more infinite grace, love and holiness of Jesus. Right now, in this moment, I'm struggling to rest in the latter part of that dichotomy. Praise Jesus my soul and my destiny rests NOT AT ALL upon my own works or my own faith but on Jesus' work on the cross and on His righteousness. Romans 3:3 asks if my unfaithfulness nullifies God's faithfulness? By no means! Again, Praise Jesus because I struggle and am struggling right now to believe that. But as I'm off to sleep and to rest physically, I'm praying that I can also rest in the knowledge that it is well with my soul. That my sin, not in part, put the whole has been nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. That because Christ has regarded my utterly helpless estate and shed His own blood for my soul, that it is forever well and I can rest in that. So I pray I rest tonight, the kind of soul rest that can't be given other than through Jesus.
I'm falling asleep to this song. It's my favorite version of it. It rocks.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/it-is-well-with-my-soul/id155753528?i=44683275
