There's absolutely no question I feel things. A lot. I'm like the girl in the movie Mean Girls who doesn't even go to their school but 'has a lot of feelings' so she tries to join in on their group therapy session. I feel for her. I wish I didn't have as many feelings as I do. Or at the very least, that I didn't have as many thoughts as I have and then have feelings about each of those thoughts. Actually, I'm not convinced I mean that. I just think it'd be great to be the person that took truth at its word or the person who didn't get deflated like a balloon when something went awry in my day. Really it'd be great to just get a grip on my heart, which happens to be the most fickle and deceitful thing about me.
But today (I'm probably going on feeling, but that's the thing... my feelings feel so real to me but despite how off they may be, God still meets me in them), today I'm convinced that my heart isn't just the most convoluted, confusing thing about me. I'm convinced it's the best thing about me. Why? Because it's what God wants the very most. A God that could have and in fact does have everything, who controls the universe at the power of a single word, says to me that He wants my heart. Not as it should be, could be or will be, but as it is. That makes it valuable. Wow. That's great news to me, a girl who for some reason can't understand that my life has value based solely on who I am and not on what I do. I mean, that's a pretty hard concept to grasp I think for anyone. I happen to not be great at it. But that's besides the point.
The point is, that God says to love Him with "all my heart, all my strength, all my soul, and all my mind." That always throws me for a loop. Mainly because I never even get past the first part. How do you love a Holy God, who happens to be Perfect and in love with you and who tells you His ways are higher than your ways and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts, how do you love Him well? Or really at all? I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the topic (none conclusive). But the part that gets me is that He doesn't ask you to love Him with your life. Or with your time. Or with your money. Or with your words. Or with anything tangible really. He asks for your heart. That blows my mind. But at the same time makes perfect sense. Because it's possible to give your life to something without actually giving your heart. People do it all the time. You can marry someone and spend your life with them and your heart belong to someone else. Or you can give all your time to a job that means nothing to you. You can write a check to an organization that has no piece of your affection. You can compliment someone and not mean a word of it. It happens all the time. But if you give your heart to something, the rest just happens. You can't give your heart to something and NOT give your life, your words, your time, your money, your energy and everything else about you. So it's clever what God does (when's He not clever, you know?) to ask for your heart. With that, He gets everything else.
That's why I think I don't hate that I'm such a heart driven person. And you can't fake giving your heart to someone or something. Not for long anyway. You can't make your heart do what it doesn't want to do, feel what it doesn't want to feel. People write love songs about it all the time, and I know it's true. You can't muster affection for something or someone. Not even for God. And to Him, that's okay. He knows that our hearts are weak, frail, and fickle. And He has a great antidote for it...
"Whom have I when my heart begins to fail?
When sorrow fills the streets and sounds of death prevail?
Jesus is my Hope."
-In Your Arms, Mandi Mapes
My heart failed yesterday. I mean big time. Really it fails a lot but yesterday I was convinced I would never get better. That my life was hopeless, purposeless, loveless, and valueless. I feel that sometimes but yesterday I felt that to the infinite degree of feeling that I've ever felt. My heart betrays me so often, yet Jesus is my Hope. Jesus is my Hope. And He wants me still. Even when my heart fails, God wants it. And He wants me. Because to Him, it's valuable. I really wished I believed that despite how I feel. And the fact that I just plain don't get it.
King David, a man whose emotions were as roller coastery as his walk with the Lord, was looked on with favor by the most High God and called a man after God's own heart. David knew of his God's love for him. And then had severe moments of amnesia, where his soul would turn downcast within him and he'd forget. To say I love David and the Psalms would be a gross understatement. The perk of being a feeler like me is that I love the things I love:) A whole lot. And I love David. And I love that God loves people like David. And like me. Whose hearts fail. Constantly. It's such a humbling reminder that I'm not kept my own love, but by His.
I'm in the process of being convinced that my heart and my life and just me are the most beautiful things and the things of most infiinte worth to the most beautiful, most infinitely worthy God. So little of that last sentence resonates within my soul yet. Good thing I'm in process:) And good thing that His love for me doesn't depend on my understanding of it.
"All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know
I've been searching for the answer that only will be found in Your love.
And I feel it, my heart is being mended by Your touch.
And I hear it, Your voice has shown my purpose in this world. "
-Restored, Jeremy Camp
