fear not.

Fear-/fi(ə)r/

Verb: Be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening

Noun: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

The other day, I watched one of the silliest movies ever. I should have known- rarely are scary movies worth your time. Most of the time, they end up being more comical than scary (Dawn of the Dead anyone?). Anyway, one of my best friends and I rented "Case 39" with high hopes of experiencing a cinematic thrill seeing as to how its two headliners are respectable Hollywood actors. Errr, wrong. Add an incredibly predictable plot (little doe-eyed girl possessed by a demon starts creepily killing people off) with hokey dialogue and twists (if you can even call it "twists") and you've got yourself a below average movie that's predictably dull at best.

But I'm a firm believer that nothing is irredeemable. (Am I? I think I just became one just now. Or realized that that's how I've always thought. Interesting.) And like all things, this movie had it's redeeming elements. I'll spare you the ho-hum details lest you think this movie is worth your time and skip right to my point.

Fear. It showed me fear.

Okay, not fear as in I was scared watching it. Okay, maybe a little at parts. But fear in a different way. In order to explain, I regrettably have to tell you some of the movie. In short, this kind-hearted, do-gooder, most likely a fan of the go-green movement social worker (yeah social work!) named Emily adopts a little girl as her own to save her from an abusive home. Aside: the girl is a demon seed. Literally. She might even be satan incarnate, I'm not sure. That's an important aside by the way.

Thirty minutes into the movie, people start dying. In weird ways. This little girl (i.e. Satan) finds out what people's worst fears are and then unleashes it on them. For example, this one guy reveals that he has a deadly fear of hornets. Cue hornets coming out of his eyes and ears and mouth all of 2 scenes later. Props to Bradley Cooper for a scene well-acted. No props for Ang and I for sticking with this movie all the way through. I told you- it was baaaaad. Anywho, the demon girl eventually finds out Emily's (the social worker and newly adopted mom) worst fear and makes it play out on her.

When Emily was a little girl, her mother (spoiler alert) purposely crashes the car they are driving. It was a very stormy day. Emily's mom dies; Em does not. So for the rest of her life, Emily carries this deep sense of abandonment from her mother and an ever present fear of driving in the rain. So where does she find herself years later? Driving through the nonstop rain, 18 wheelers coming straight at her, visions of her mom crashing their car vividly playing through her mind and demon seed girl by her side, yelling into her ear that this is all real. This all happens in a mater of 10 seconds. After all, it is a movie and they have to make at least the climax interesting. But when demon seed girl is screaming to Emily that this is her worst fear being played out, Emily suddenly has an epiphany and yells, "This isn't real!"

And she was right.

The 18-wheelers flying at her like bullets, the torrential rain, the visions of her mom- they were all illusions that demon seed girl had created to evoke fear in Emily. And it worked. For a while anyway.The second Emily yelled that none of it was real, the demon seed girl started panicking. Emily had no more fear. She wasn't afraid. And suddenly, demon seed girl had lost any bit of power over Emily that she once had. Emily disarmed satan's most powerful weapon against her: fear.

And it hit me, fear is the root of all my woes. Sure pride, too. But I think the two might be cosmically connected in a way. After all, if I was trusting in the One who made me and knows me and spoke all things into existence, I wouldn't fear- because I'd know it's not up to me or about me; it's about Him. Fear is ultimately rooted in pride. So I guess pride is the root of all evils. But that's not my point right this second.

My point is this: fear is a thief. An invisible thief but a thief nonetheless. And I think its invisibility makes it all the more effective. And you know who else is a thief? Satan himself. So it makes sense that his weapons against humanity are designed to steal joy, trust, and belief in the One who is Joy, who is fully trustworthy, and who is wholly pure, loving, and in control. He convinces us that we need to take matters into our own hands, that God isn't out for our good and thus we can't count on Him.

Fear is the root of my anxiety, my insecurity, my self-protectiveness thus my selfishness, my doubt, my unbelief, my despair, and my sorrow (and probably other stuff I can't remember right this second). And the worst part about it is that fear isn't even real- Satan is a master of trickery and illusion. Fear that I'll be alone the rest of my life, fear that the people I love will leave me, fear that I'm not enough, fear that Jesus' promises don't qualify for me specifically, anxiety about my future- all that is an illusion. Because the truth is that Jesus says He came to give me Life and Life to the full, that I have a rich inheritance in Him that can never be taken from me, that no good thing does He withhold from me, that He carries me close to His heart, that I am precious and honored in His sight, that I don't have to fight this battle alone because the battle is His and not mine, that I can never be plucked from the hand of the One who loves me and has fought off the powers of hell for me, that those who fear God alone lack nothing, that all things work together for my good, that perfect Love drives out all fear, and that I will never, ever be alone because He will never, ever leave me.

Those promises are truth. Anything to the contrary is a lie.

So why do I fear so much and so often?

I mean, all of it makes sense- Satan came to steal my life; Jesus came to give me life. I want to choose to believe that. Just like the trucks and memories that flooded into Em's vision as she was driving her car were designed to distract and derail her and ultimately kill her, so are the lies and illusions Satan throws at me, at everyone. And the only way to stop buying into all the lies isn't to necessarily stop having fear all together- it's to have fear of the right One. And to let His love dispel my fears.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Psalm 111:10

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18

The only power Satan has is the power God allows him to have. And the good news for people that belong to Jesus is that God turns what Satan means for evil into good, for His glory and our joy. So the moral of all this is to say, I want to heed the Bible's most frequent command: fear not. God tells me 'do not be afraid.' Alright. I have nothing to fear because if God is for me, then who can stand against? I want to fear God and Him alone. His love is strong and has the power and willingness to dispel all my fears. Every last one until I fear only Him.

Oh, and that even crappy movies can be redeeming.

oh, life changes.

I've always said I like change.

I've based that assessment of myself solely on my decision to attend college out-of-state at a university where I didn't know anyone and I felt like my world would be rocked with new things and well, change. That and the fact that I like having a hint of spontaneity in my life always made me believe that I am an anomaly to the majority of the world and that I like change. People always say they hate change. So it always seemed cooler to me to claim to like it. And honestly, I thought I did.

But the older I get, the more I think I hate change. A lot actually.

Granted going out-of-state was a huge decision and it ain’t no small thing that I jumped next door to the state of Georgia to pursue my higher ed and left pretty much everyone I knew behind. But let’s be real, that was the safest change I could have made. Everyone was a part of it; everyone was changing. College by sheer definition does that to you. It would have been change to not go to college, to not leave home and go off on my own. Sure I went a tad bit farther than most of my closest friends but not really. As unknown as UGA was for me, it was pretty known in a lot of ways. I knew that for at least 4 years I would be in college. And for someone who doesn’t really think past today, that was enough for me.

But now that I’m in grad school and I’m watching life change daily around me and in me, I don’t have a clue what’s happening and I can’t lie, I don’t think I love it. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. In a year and a half, I could be anywhere in the world. Literally, anywhere.

In the last 5 years, I’ve met the most beautiful people in the world. I’m convinced. Athens has won my heart because of the people I’ve met here. And the Lord knew that when he wrote my story and when I nonchalantly decided to commit to UGA.

And now, I don’t know what’s happening next. And I really don’t need to because I still have a year and a half of grad school left. But even if I didn’t have that time left, I still don’t really need to know what’s happening next. He knows. He always knows.

And despite the fact that life is always changing around me, people are coming and going (and staying) and I feel like I’m constantly changing, He’s not doing any of that. Besides the staying part. I love that. I think, actually I know that my most favorite promise God has made to His people and to me is this: that He will never leave you; He will never forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Another version says He’ll never fail or abandon me. I’m never alone. He doesn’t change. Ever.

As I watch my friends and the people I love date and marry and get real people jobs and have babies and move all over the world, it’s so neat. Life’s happening. Love’s happening. Jesus is alive and He’s happening. But that also means things are changing. And if I’m honest, I don’t always love it. Change sucks sometimes. Mostly all the time. It sucks because it's hard, not because it's not beautiful and worthwhile.

It’s also so exciting. And a reminder to me that I’m not in control. Ever. I thought I was and think I am. But it’s all an illusion. I don’t even control whether I take my next breath. How arrogant I am to think I can control my life, especially my God.

So yeah, I just realized this semester that I don’t love change. There’s a reason that’s popular opinion. I’m going to quit trying to buck the system just for the sake of being different. That doesn’t do a whole lot. But just because I don’t love it doesn’t mean it isn’t good and necessary. I think change is one of God’s tools in my life to remind me that He’s in control, not me. And that when everything around me is changing and when I hardly recognize what’s going on inside me, He’s still the same. He’s the Rock that life is meant to be built on. And He will always be.

Jesus is my Hope.

There's absolutely no question I feel things. A lot. I'm like the girl in the movie Mean Girls who doesn't even go to their school but 'has a lot of feelings' so she tries to join in on their group therapy session. I feel for her. I wish I didn't have as many feelings as I do. Or at the very least, that I didn't have as many thoughts as I have and then have feelings about each of those thoughts. Actually, I'm not convinced I mean that. I just think it'd be great to be the person that took truth at its word or the person who didn't get deflated like a balloon when something went awry in my day. Really it'd be great to just get a grip on my heart, which happens to be the most fickle and deceitful thing about me.

But today (I'm probably going on feeling, but that's the thing... my feelings feel so real to me but despite how off they may be, God still meets me in them), today I'm convinced that my heart isn't just the most convoluted, confusing thing about me. I'm convinced it's the best thing about me. Why? Because it's what God wants the very most. A God that could have and in fact does have everything, who controls the universe at the power of a single word, says to me that He wants my heart. Not as it should be, could be or will be, but as it is. That makes it valuable. Wow. That's great news to me, a girl who for some reason can't understand that my life has value based solely on who I am and not on what I do. I mean, that's a pretty hard concept to grasp I think for anyone. I happen to not be great at it. But that's besides the point.

The point is, that God says to love Him with "all my heart, all my strength, all my soul, and all my mind." That always throws me for a loop. Mainly because I never even get past the first part. How do you love a Holy God, who happens to be Perfect and in love with you and who tells you His ways are higher than your ways and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts, how do you love Him well? Or really at all? I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the topic (none conclusive). But the part that gets me is that He doesn't ask you to love Him with your life. Or with your time. Or with your money. Or with your words. Or with anything tangible really. He asks for your heart. That blows my mind. But at the same time makes perfect sense. Because it's possible to give your life to something without actually giving your heart. People do it all the time. You can marry someone and spend your life with them and your heart belong to someone else. Or you can give all your time to a job that means nothing to you. You can write a check to an organization that has no piece of your affection. You can compliment someone and not mean a word of it. It happens all the time. But if you give your heart to something, the rest just happens. You can't give your heart to something and NOT give your life, your words, your time, your money, your energy and everything else about you. So it's clever what God does (when's He not clever, you know?) to ask for your heart. With that, He gets everything else.

That's why I think I don't hate that I'm such a heart driven person. And you can't fake giving your heart to someone or something. Not for long anyway. You can't make your heart do what it doesn't want to do, feel what it doesn't want to feel. People write love songs about it all the time, and I know it's true. You can't muster affection for something or someone. Not even for God. And to Him, that's okay. He knows that our hearts are weak, frail, and fickle. And He has a great antidote for it...

"Whom have I when my heart begins to fail?

When sorrow fills the streets and sounds of death prevail?

Jesus is my Hope."

-In Your Arms, Mandi Mapes

My heart failed yesterday. I mean big time. Really it fails a lot but yesterday I was convinced I would never get better. That my life was hopeless, purposeless, loveless, and valueless. I feel that sometimes but yesterday I felt that to the infinite degree of feeling that I've ever felt. My heart betrays me so often, yet Jesus is my Hope. Jesus is my Hope. And He wants me still. Even when my heart fails, God wants it. And He wants me. Because to Him, it's valuable. I really wished I believed that despite how I feel. And the fact that I just plain don't get it.

King David, a man whose emotions were as roller coastery as his walk with the Lord, was looked on with favor by the most High God and called a man after God's own heart. David knew of his God's love for him. And then had severe moments of amnesia, where his soul would turn downcast within him and he'd forget. To say I love David and the Psalms would be a gross understatement. The perk of being a feeler like me is that I love the things I love:) A whole lot. And I love David. And I love that God loves people like David. And like me. Whose hearts fail. Constantly. It's such a humbling reminder that I'm not kept my own love, but by His.

I'm in the process of being convinced that my heart and my life and just me are the most beautiful things and the things of most infiinte worth to the most beautiful, most infinitely worthy God. So little of that last sentence resonates within my soul yet. Good thing I'm in process:) And good thing that His love for me doesn't depend on my understanding of it.

"All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know

I've been searching for the answer that only will be found in Your love.

And I feel it, my heart is being mended by Your touch.

And I hear it, Your voice has shown my purpose in this world. "

-Restored, Jeremy Camp