awaken, o my soul.

I feel like blogging. I'm not sure about what. But I do. So I'm gonna. Here goes.

If I had blogged yesterday, this would have been a totally different blog post then it's going to be right now. Why? Because I feel like I'm changing everyday. Every moment I feel like a different person, like I'm experiencing a different thought, feeling, or emotion or different facet of life. I feel like I'm being awakened to something new constantly, a new way of thinking, of seeing the world, or of seeing a particular person, the Lord, life, or even myself. I love the word awaken. It might be my favorite word right now. By might I mean definitely. I think I love it so much because in it I find hope. In order to awaken something, the something has to already possess the ability to be awakened, to be stirred to consciousness. That seems like a no-brainer comment but I think that's important. You can know something but not be awakened to the reality or gravity of it. You're simply asleep. Webster defines awake as the following: 'to cease sleeping; to become aroused or active again; to become conscious or aware of something; to arouse from a sleeplike state." To me, to awaken something means to activate in someone something that it already has; awakening simply brings to life something that already exists. Let me explain.

I'd first like to draw attention to the picture to the left. Someone try to tell me this couple isn't awake. And I don't just mean physically (I'm not trying to insult anyone's intelligence by that question). This couple is awake to a bevy of emotions and thoughts and feelings. I love this picture a lot. I have no clue who this couple is. I found this picture on the internet once and saved it on my computer I liked it so much (Weird? Maybe. But Mary does the same thing so I feel okay about it). I've seen lots of pictures of couples in love but I like this one in particular because it happens to be in front of one of my faaaaavorite places on earth, the Fontana de Trevi in Rome. I can't help but feel alive when I'm there or when I look at a picture of this fountain. It's magical to me; it does something to my soul. All that to say, these people are awake and I love it. Watching someone embrace life sparks life in other people that is inevitably contagious.

Anyway, visuals always help me. But on to the word awake... If you're asleep it doesn't mean you don't exist; it just means you're not aware of what's going on around you. You can be in a room full of tons of people but if you're asleep, you may as well have not been there. You missed every conversation, interaction, joke, laugh, etc. You were asleep. I feel that way about my life a lot, like I'm asleep. I'm obviously living, I have a pulse, I breathe (with difficulty lately, compliments of bronchitis but I'm totes on the up!) And I'm reminded of life in moments when I'm brought to tears by life's joys and life's pains. And I'm reminded that I'm alive by how much I hurt or how much I dream or how much I desire or moved I can be by another human being. I think that proves life. If anything it proves the fragility of my own heart to be moved by this life and by the people in it, whether for good or bad. But if I had to describe my last semester in a word, I'd say I've been asleep. I've definitely had moments of wakefulness (is that a word?) this last semester. But so do most people throughout the night as they sleep. Just because you wake up some in the night while you're sleeping doesn't mean you're necessarily conscious or aware of what's happening around you. I'm not anyway. I've spent this last semester in a slumber. In a spiritual slumber. In a life slumber. I haven't been able to articulate what I've been experiencing well to myself and especially not to other people. It's no wonder, I've felt asleep. Life's just been dull to me. I know I experience life differently than a lot of people and my expectations for the way I want to experience the Lord may be a touch unrealistic this side of Heaven and given the state of my sinful heart. But when Jesus said He came to give life and life to the full and be that Life for me (John 10:10), I feel like He meant it. I just don't think God throws around words like I do or people do. I feel like He means what He says. And all that to say, if life to the full is a possibility, then why am I not living and walking in it? I can think of several reasons off the top of my head (namely that I have no clue what life to the full would look like practically other than different than what my life is right now) but I want it. If I can have life to the full, I want it. And if Jesus is willing and able to give it, then I want it. Why? Because it's how we were designed to live. We were designed to be alive, awake to life.

That doesn't mean a life without pain. Gosh, by no means. I was talking to a friend yesterday about the phrase "full of life." I love when people tell me I'm full of life. Not for for the same complimentary reasons I think they mean it. When I think life, I think of all of it. It's a dichotomous paradox: joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, love and pain, trials and triumphs, success and failure, etc., etc. And when someone says I'm full of life, I like to think I'm full of all those things, not just what we naturally think are the positives. Because life is about experiencing all those things, being awakened to the reality of the pains of life in order that we might appreciate the joys that God graces us with. And in all of that, glory be to God. Sadly, I have fallen asleep to that reality. That both sides of life are just as beautiful. Wise Spurgeon says "The worst trial is no trial at all." Yeah, I agree. Pain and hurt are not the worst thing that happen to you or me. Deadening your soul, numbing your heart and eventually hardening it and falling asleep to life, to the whispers of the Spirit and the Voice of the Divine is the most grievous thing I can think that can happen to me. And not that people don't have good reason to deaden their hearts and their souls. Without Jesus and the hope and love that He offers, that makes perfect sense. That's the best self-defense mechanism I've heard of. Life really can suck and pain really is real. But with Jesus, He says the opposite. He says "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you" (Ephesians 5:14). Quite the opposite. You aren't commanded to deaden yourself and protect yourself from the possibility of pain. Jesus says rather wake yourself to the reality of His love. I'm not exactly sure how that's going to play out practically over the course of my life as I see my heart get broken in little and big ways almost everyday. But I trust Him. He's God; I'm not.

[And as a significant sidenote, God doesn't love me less because I tend to fall asleep to Him and His Voice, figuratively and literally sometimes. My love for my family and friends doesn't decrease when they go to bed at night; they just maybe can't experience it fully because they're sleeping. If I say 'I love you' or write them a sweet note, it won't mean much to them until they're awake to experience it. But I love them nonetheless. So His call for me to rise isn't a call for me to wake up so He can love me; that part is non-negotiable. It's in His character that He loves me and that isn't going to change. I had to throw that in here because I'm not sure I'm convinced of this quite yet. I'm getting there. Well, no I'm not. His Spirit is getting me there.]

His call for me to wake up, for my soul to arise is for me to walk in His love, to experience the Love that He has for me. Love that promises Life. Life that will not fail, that will not leave. He won't leave me. He will make me alive. The truths that I know in my head He can awaken in my heart. I want that. Awaken, o my soul. Spirit in me, awaken. Jesus, awaken my eyes, my heart, my mind, and my soul to you.

Hmm. Guess that's what I felt like blogging about:)

yahweh.

Take me, and pull me through.
Cause I can't move without You.

I won't leave you alone, You say.
It will be okay.

he loves me.

I feel like I suck. I think I feel that way most days my life. Probably 9 times out of 10, I feel like I'm just not enough. Maybe even 9.9 times out of 10. Even the moments and the days when I feel like I've mostly gotten it right, when I can get through the day with mostly positive thoughts, loving the people in my life mostly well, doing the things in my life mostly right, feeling mostly good, having mostly good perspective, believing God cares about me more than He regrets having ever made me... even those days, even those moments (because honestly, it's rare for me to have whole days like that. I'm just thankful for the moments when I feel like I'm getting life right.) Even in those moments, I still am keenly aware of the fact that I'm still not enough. Because in all that, I've only done things mostly right. And even if I had done things completely right, I'd still be left to account for all the things I haven't done. Like call so and so back. Or balance my checkbook. Or love my literal next door neighbor like myself. Or honor my mother and father. Or give more of my time, money, energy and heart to the people God loves so dearly. Or go to the ends of the earth and proclaim the name of Jesus. In fact, I've done none of the above today (above goes all the way back to the beginning... today has not been a mostly get it right day). Instead I've spent my day writing a huge paper for school that I should I have been working on all semester but have put off until the day before it's due. I've barely left my house today. I'm still in my pj's and it's almost 8 at night. I feel like I suck more than usual today. And honestly, I think it's not just a feeling. I think it's true. In fact, I know it's true. Romans 3:23 tells me "that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Gosh, my life is a showcase for how I fall short of God's glory. Day by day, moment by moment. I miss the mark. And even when I get it "mostly right," it doesn't matter, because with God, He isn't about getting it mostly right. He's perfect. His standard for perfection is Himself. That normally debilitates me, being a perfectionist by nature and knowing that the standard for perfection is set not even by me but by Holiness and Perfection Himself. I'm paralyzed by my inability to even approach God or live life, until I realize one thing: He loves me. I hear that to the point that my heart frequently gets numb to it but occasionally it just clicks in a way that's almost magic. I think it's clicking now. God loves me. And love trumps all. Love isn't about earning; it's about being. It's about doing absolutely nothing yet still being chosen and adored and fought for and wanted. It isn't earned; it's given. It isn't deserved; in fact, it's undeserved because love isn't based on merit.

I don't get His love for me because I don't get Jesus. I just don't. I know I should but I don't. All I know is that somehow, Jesus is my Advocate, my Mediator-who is prefect and gets it not just mostly right but totally right. Not some days but all days. And because of that, I'm free to be me and be accepted and loved and safe in the knowledge that that love will not fade or waver. Even if I never get it right (it's not looking like I will, at least not anytime soon), Jesus has me covered. Literally. His death on the cross covered me and covers me now and will cover me forevermore. When God looks upon me, He looks with favor and adoration because He sees Jesus's record of perfection and getting it right. But somehow in that He still sees me and loves me, knowing all of me and my inherent suckiness. God loves me. And love trumps all. He not only loves me but His love is strong. Oh how I wish I believed that all the time and even now. And craved God's love more than the love, approval, and affirmation of any human being. But I know my heart. And I know it's deceitful. But I also know my God. And He's fought for my heart back over and over again and reminded me of this truth. So yeah, I suck. But I'm loved. I'm loved while I still suck. That's outstanding. God doesn't say He'll love me when I figure out how to get life right or when I live up to my potential or when I at least start getting it more right then I have been or quit being so freakin apathetic most of my days and do something. He says instead that I am precious and honored in His sight and that He loves me. That at the right moment, while I was still a sinner, He died for me. He chose me, predestined me to be His before I took my first breath. He isn't angry at me but has compassion on me because He remembers my frame and knows that I am but dust. He says He will love me freely, that He has called me by name, I am His. Most of my friends know that Paul is not my favorite Bible character. I just can't relate to him at all. He just seems so prideful to me rattling off all these great things He's done for the Lord and I just get irritated with his tone. But he's started to grow on me lately. I think we've got a lot more in common than I initially thought (pride included) but I love what he says in 1 Timothy 1:15-16: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." I am a showcase not of sin, but of God's infinite patience. To harp on how badly I screw up day to day, how sinful and deceitful my heart is, how much I'm prone to think negatively of myself, yeah all those things would be true, but all those things pale in comparison to what really should be reflecting from my life. I have a great God, one who loves me and fights on my behalf despite all of that. THAT is worth mentioning and harping on and getting excited over. I get it all backwards sometimes (let's be honest, most of the time). It's His story, not mine. I'm just an extra who keeps messing up her lines and trying to steal the show, but it's not my story and it's not my show to steal. For some crazy reason, the main character has fallen in love with me. Yeah, He loves me. Weird. But it's still His story. I'm happy to be in it however He writes it.

As of right now, I have a pretty great memory. But I've noticed it's been fading as of late. Such a bummer. But such is life I guess. Anyway, I hope that one day, when my memory has faded completely, that I, like John Newton can say this, that...

My memory is nearly gone;
but I remember two things;
That I am a great sinner, and
that Christ is a great Saviour.

wake up.

Jesus has redeemed me for today. Not for yesterday. Not for last year. Not for my past that I've already lived and that I've already messed up. He redeemed me for right now, this moment. I'm called to live today, not yesterday, not tomorrow. Wake up oh my soul.

Wake up, oh sleeper, rise and awake.
Heaven is calling, no time to waste.
Eyes on the skyline, watch for the Son
Over the hilltop His glory will come.

Wake up.

Wake from your slumber, see the display.
Glory and passion are calling your days.
Move to the rhythm, join in the song.
We're singing of freedom, and unfailing love.

Wake up.
Your life awaits.

Wake up
Leave your wasted days.

Wake up
Feel the rush of life.

Wake up
Open up your eyes, wake up.

I hear Your voice in the morning light.
You call my name, You're calling me to rise.
I stand in you, Here in your perfect love.
I lift my voice, Because the word is out to rise and wake up.

Wake up.

-Kristian Stanfill, Wake Up

rest.

I am exhausted. I can't pick a better word to describe how I feel in this moment other than tired. I just feel so drained. I'm not sad or overwhelmed (maybe a little) or frustrated or anything more than just weary from life. Nothing in particular has gotten me here, just living in general gets tiring sometimes.

And when I get this way, my first reaction is to run to my bed.

It's not a secret to anyone that knows me that I love sleep. My bed is one of my favorite places on earth. If I were getting married tomorrow (or really at any point in my life), my bed would be a bridesmaid in my wedding if that were a thing. We're that close. Yet it can't give me the one thing that I want right now: rest. That's because the rest I seek isn't just physical rest.

What I want is rest for my soul.

And that can be found in nothing and in no one other than the person of Jesus. I know that. My heart has known that for years. Yet I've known nothing more deceitful than my own heart. One minute it is in love with Jesus, clinging to the truth that nothing could be better than being in the mere presence of my Creator. The next it has wandered off into the depths of its own darkness, trading the riches of Jesus' majesties for the cheap trinkets this world offers. I live in that delicate balance every moment, knowing the infinite darkness of my heart yet trusting the even more infinite grace, love and holiness of Jesus. Right now, in this moment, I'm struggling to rest in the latter part of that dichotomy. Praise Jesus my soul and my destiny rests NOT AT ALL upon my own works or my own faith but on Jesus' work on the cross and on His righteousness. Romans 3:3 asks if my unfaithfulness nullifies God's faithfulness? By no means! Again, Praise Jesus because I struggle and am struggling right now to believe that. But as I'm off to sleep and to rest physically, I'm praying that I can also rest in the knowledge that it is well with my soul. That my sin, not in part, put the whole has been nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. That because Christ has regarded my utterly helpless estate and shed His own blood for my soul, that it is forever well and I can rest in that. So I pray I rest tonight, the kind of soul rest that can't be given other than through Jesus.

I'm falling asleep to this song. It's my favorite version of it. It rocks.


http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/it-is-well-with-my-soul/id155753528?i=44683275

and we're off.

Blogging makes me nervous. I've thought about blogging for over a year now and I've had this blog created for months but haven't written anything. I get blogger's block every time I think to write something. I feel this overwhelming pressure to write something deep and insightful and awesome. Because honestly, bloggers are just cool. Especially Christian ones who have a gift from God to see Him through such a unique lens.

The truth is, I like to think I'm cool in the way I see and experience God but I'm not. I'm incredibly ordinary, more than I like to give myself credit for. But my God is extraordinary. So in saying that (really to myself because I'm well aware that no one reads my blog at this point ha), I want to blog because I love writing and I miss it. I used to loooove writing in high school and younger. It just opens up a side of me that I can't access as clearly without it. And more than that, I want to blog (the word blog sounds so cheese to me sometimes) to the glory of God. I think the Gospel is in everything, that God has designed the entire universe to point to the person of Jesus. And I think I see Jesus through reading and writing. It's such a beautiful thing. And if you are someone other than me and you are reading my blog, I hope you realize this:

I'm a broken life, clinging to the promise of a Hope that is unshakeable in Jesus. I suck at being a Christian, I'm convinced more than the average Christian. It's been the hardest journey I've ever been a part of. In my nature, I'm a quitter. If you've ever run with me, you can totally attest to that. But for a reason beyond my understanding, God has chosen me to be a part of His family, a part of a race that He won't let me quit running. I'm fighting to run with patience the race He's set out for me, a patience that puts aside the temporary sufferings of this world for the joy of others that is in Jesus. I'm really bad at it but everyday (that's the vision anyway...) I want to grow in knowing Jesus' infinite love towards me. I can't conceptualize a love that expects nothing of me but gives me absolutely everything. But I'm understanding that more today than I was a week ago. So praise Jesus! He initiated a relationship with me and sustains it completely and I can't even fathom how to respond to that. So to recap, I'm a nobody but Jesus is a somebody. I pray that my life would never bring glory to myself (which is absolutely what my heart wants if I'm being honest) but that it would reflect ALL glory to the One and only One who deserves every last bit of it.